By no means am I a hardened traveller or jet setter, but I have been doing a weekly trip up north for the last few months, and this unfortunately necessitates me being exposed to fellow travellers. Not all of them are bad of course, but there are certain behaviours that one begins to notice when observing a small percentage of these people in transit.

Firstly there is the “I’ve had a mobile phone for 15 years, but the technology is still indistinguishable from magic” traveller. These people are instantly recognisable by the volume at which they speak into their mobile phones – they don’t seem to realise that the technology employed is different from that of the bush drum. A poor connection cannot be remedied by shouting.

Next is the faux-yuppie, who when talking on the phone will gratuitously mention to the other call party that they are talking on their mobile phone while utilising [insert mode of transport here]. While this might have been cool when you were an early adopter of mobile telephony in the early Nineties, it’s not cool now. Everybody has a mobile phone (some important business people have two) and everyone has travelled on a train or a plane.

Lastly in the mobile phone category are the “I’m glad I’m in the quite coach so that I can hear my mobile phone properly” people. Some of these people think they are being clever (and polite) by wearing earphones. They assume that it’s the other person on the phones voice that is loud, rather than their own, now amplified voices because they cannot hear themselves speak while wearing earphones. The quite coach sign is there for everybody, not everybody else.

Moving off the mobile phone violators are the people that take up unnecessary space. They either leave their luggage on adjacent seats or stretch their jackets out on the overhead rack, taking the luggage space away from six people. I have no problem with this when the train is quite, but when it’s busy I would prefer the configuration of me on the seat and your bag on the floor, thank you.

However, these perpetrators are not the worst. Oh no. It must certainly be the ones that reserve seats and then sit in unreserved seats elsewhere – effectively taking two seats. I’m guessing these folk must be lazy and stupid.

In closing, I must make mention of the “Trawler Captains” who drag their wheelie suitcases around stations and airports behind them like illegal fishing boats raping the sea. Yes, they are convenient and yes I have one too. But please, for the sake of everyone else, carry these or pull them alongside you in crowded conditions! It’s not an aerial display competition.

That’s it – gripe done. I wonder how many of these offences I’m  guilty of.

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